It always comes down to a choice between love and fear, doesn't it?
#TeamIntrinsicInterest
Welcome (back) to Love + Travel, a chronicling of thoughts and adventures.
You can find the entirety of my writing here, including last week’s, Thank the (Audre) Lorde for the Erotic.
Today’s offering is in response to a question posed by
.
After sliding into her DMs to clarify, the question I tackle below is:
How do you know when you're choosing self-sufficiency versus dismissing your need for support from others?
Let’s begin by laying some GROUNDWORK.
Self-sufficiency is rooted in fulfilling a need through intrinsic motivation, whereas dismissing support often stems from a fear of unmet expectations or conflict.
Humans, as social creatures, live in communities for survival.
Since we aren’t meant to do everything ourselves, we find ways to create exchanges where cohabitors are satisfied.
In today’s world, this is most often done with money, where an equivalency is struck between an item and the accepted standard of dollars and cents.
We know this because we pay for goods and services all the time.
However, when we lack resources—whether time or money—and ask for help, we aren't relying on the dollar value of the request1. Instead, we lean on the strength of our relationship with a person, trusting it to carry us from where we are to where we want to be.
In a perfect world, we’d get everything we ask for.
But, often, when our vulnerability—being truly in need—is met with the sting of not receiving the support we expect, especially from someone we trust, it can make asking for help even harder in the future.
We’ll always need support, even if we sometimes avoid asking for it to save face. Remember how I said humans are social creatures? The instinct to give and seek help is hard-wired into our mammalian brain.
The distinction between self-sufficiency and avoiding support can often be seen in whether someone’s actions stem from love or fear.
Does the desire arise from the love of something you’d spend time doing anyway? Or the fear of not receiving the help you need?
Here’s an example:
Let’s consider a woman who needs to travel downtown.
She’s an artist who loves to observe people and enjoys the challenge of capturing portraits of strangers. With this in mind, she chooses to take the bus as it allows her to fulfill her need for transportation while doing something she’s passionate about—practicing her art.
This is self-sufficiency motivated by intrinsic interest.
Now, let’s look at the flip side:
Same woman. Same situation. But this time, she’s running behind.
She could ask her brother for a ride. But in the past, he’s been dismissive and irritated when she asks for help. To sidestep conflict and uncertain support, she decides to take the bus instead—even though it’s not her preferred choice at this moment.
She is self-reliant but motivated by a fear of rejection or confrontation. Not by an internal desire to take the bus.
It all comes down to what moves you.
Self-sufficiency motivated by love often looks like killing two birds with one stone, while avoiding support involves choosing self-reliance to avoid friction.
Either way, Sis is WILLFULLY on the bus.
However, only the latter provides an opportunity to move beyond limiting beliefs.
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TODAY’S TIDBIT
I’ve been inspired by haikus lately—the brevity, the imagery, and the potency within 17 syllables. This one by Sonia Sanchez has been living in my head for months now.
COMMUNITY CORNER
💧
’s letter to her son moved around furniture in my heart. There is sacred power in Trusting Our Tears.🫶🏾 So far, Rafiki is the only movie I’ve seen on this list of 13 Black Lesbian Films: An Intentionally Curated List. But I’m grateful for the jumping-off point,
.🏎️ I’m entering a rainbow strip season in life. I realized it through
pointing out I am full from all the searching and seeking.LET ME KNOW
Do you have any questions you’d like my perspective on?
Who is your favorite photographer, famous or not, with an eye for Black culture?
Consider an area of your life where you are operating in fear of not receiving the support you need. What’s one action you could take to change things?
Someone dear to me calls haikus text messages 😂. What are your thoughts on them?
Duh! If we had the cash or time available to accomplish it, we wouldn’t need to ask for help. Someone would be paid to do it, or we’d do it ourselves.
I wonder if the love/fear question is connected to the freedom/safety one.
This is excellent!! I pride myself on being self sufficient and as I’ve aged have grown better at asking for help. It is such a sting to finally trust someone and have them fall short when you knows come through for them