Yes to your question, I definitely have set myself on fire to keep others warm, and every day it's a continuous struggle not to do it again and to learn to honour my own needs.
I am loving this conversation y’all. It’s taken me a literal lifetime to write these words and mean them. But the time doesn’t matter because the freedom is sweet compared to the bitter journey.
As I read the first question, I immediately thought ‘but why is it okay for me to smolder’ and then I thought, ‘it isn’t, and that’s why self love isn’t selfish’ - I’m so in that season of self-love and as a result, a lot is coming up that has a sista in tears. I appreciate this, very much🥰
Ohhh that helps me feel more comfortable with the vulnerability of this piece because I almost kept this one in the drafts. But then I said if I feel it someone else does too. I’m learning self love looks and feels different in every season. Thanks for reading 🙂
I needed you to slap me across the face with this about 10-12 years ago, and I accept that you didn’t because I wasn’t ready to listen or hear this truth, thank you more.
😂 I’m nosy or as the academics say “seeking belonging”.
Also yes “I am not in control” is my mantra this season too. I’m realizing it takes a lot of courage to see things as they are, accept them, and realize I cannot do a damn thing about it. It’s a choice between feeling helpless and feeling free. I choose the latter.
I should be asleep, but after spending most of the day finishing my next essay I found myself wired. I really love this poem because it reminds me to release, it reminds me that i am not in control, I don't have to be the hero that saves the day, I can just be. Thank you!
Overwhelm is a common friend for me. She’s lurking around every corner where I’m likely to overexert myself. She comes as panic or illness. And what always follows is shame. I’m learning to see that I overexert not because I don’t value my wellbeing but rather because the systems that be don’t. They don’t care. They want me to be used. I’m learning to not blame myself. And as you talked about here, releasing where I’m not in control is so helpful. I had a therapist ask me a few years ago what I felt was missing and I answered peace within myself. She noted I’d been trying to get there by trying to control every single square inch of my life. Whoops.
This jumped out to me “I’m learning to see that I overexert not because I don’t value my wellbeing but rather because the systems that be don’t.”
I agree.
I’m currently rereading Roxane Gay’s Hunger and seeing it again with fresh eyes illuminates the social habituation of women to be small and take up less space. The yielding then often allows others to fill what remains. I’m still processing how to actively work against this without losing the joy of being who I am.
Hugs for not blaming yourself, the chips are stacked against us, intentionally so, but we will proceed and thrive.
So tears, just had a day of like sort of putting my all into caring for others and some that want it, some that really can’t stand the idea of someone knowing something different about their health, and this hit. Like overextension is how we can’t help others any longer but ourselves, whatever that is. Im going to be thinking about this as I sit in the Brooklyn Laundromat folding clothes and pondering all this.
I dunno if anyones said, but I feel like you collected a day of collective psyche of many.
Prescient, I bring myself back from the depths by journaling hard and depending on the intensity tearing up whats written or depending on where I am if I can burn the pages it has an even deeper releasing effect.
YK, thank you for your kind words. We’re all connected and these words traveled up from somewhere deep so I hope it lands in the collective psyche as you said.
I learning that when I give my all to others I’m really seeking to gain something in return. Often it’s validation. Worthiness by proxy of productivity. I’m sure it’s the same for others as well.
I’ve never tried burning or tearing up my writing, but I do see the catharsis available. I’m wishing you a clean heart and clothes to boot.
My God!!!
Yes to your question, I definitely have set myself on fire to keep others warm, and every day it's a continuous struggle not to do it again and to learn to honour my own needs.
I love that, Noha. “Honor my own needs” that’s such a telling word because it goes beyond listening. Honor extends to action.
I think that’s why I’m so emotional, I’ve neglected myself and I need to figure out what gives me that authority.
The body keeps the score. If you feel emotional there's an underlying reason.
More than one, Noah, more than one reason
I am loving this conversation y’all. It’s taken me a literal lifetime to write these words and mean them. But the time doesn’t matter because the freedom is sweet compared to the bitter journey.
Whew... mmm mmm mmm.... I need to just sit in this for a bit, so forgive me for going silent for a bit.
Noha - many apologies for misspelling your name!
A beautiful contract with the universe.
You’re my universe
As I read the first question, I immediately thought ‘but why is it okay for me to smolder’ and then I thought, ‘it isn’t, and that’s why self love isn’t selfish’ - I’m so in that season of self-love and as a result, a lot is coming up that has a sista in tears. I appreciate this, very much🥰
Ohhh that helps me feel more comfortable with the vulnerability of this piece because I almost kept this one in the drafts. But then I said if I feel it someone else does too. I’m learning self love looks and feels different in every season. Thanks for reading 🙂
I needed you to slap me across the face with this about 10-12 years ago, and I accept that you didn’t because I wasn’t ready to listen or hear this truth, thank you more.
I feel like you need to buy me dinner before you ask me these follow-up questions. Why you gettin' in my business so? And on a Monday?!?!
Seriously, the refrain of "I am not in control" is like the chorus of life right now. It's humbling and emancipating and scary.
I’m so out of control that I fear you would have me committed if we were in the same city!
😂😂😂
Pahahaha! Relatable!
😂 I’m nosy or as the academics say “seeking belonging”.
Also yes “I am not in control” is my mantra this season too. I’m realizing it takes a lot of courage to see things as they are, accept them, and realize I cannot do a damn thing about it. It’s a choice between feeling helpless and feeling free. I choose the latter.
. . . ."Have you ever set yourself on fire to keep others warm?" . . . no, but i once had a girlfriend who said i was her personal space heater :)
That sounds about right 😭😂
Whoa
I should be asleep, but after spending most of the day finishing my next essay I found myself wired. I really love this poem because it reminds me to release, it reminds me that i am not in control, I don't have to be the hero that saves the day, I can just be. Thank you!
Big facts. It’s a release of perspective, responsibility, emotion, duty, and so much more.
Gorgeousness here. Thank you 🧡
Overwhelm is a common friend for me. She’s lurking around every corner where I’m likely to overexert myself. She comes as panic or illness. And what always follows is shame. I’m learning to see that I overexert not because I don’t value my wellbeing but rather because the systems that be don’t. They don’t care. They want me to be used. I’m learning to not blame myself. And as you talked about here, releasing where I’m not in control is so helpful. I had a therapist ask me a few years ago what I felt was missing and I answered peace within myself. She noted I’d been trying to get there by trying to control every single square inch of my life. Whoops.
Wow Kaitlyn thanks so much for the share.
This jumped out to me “I’m learning to see that I overexert not because I don’t value my wellbeing but rather because the systems that be don’t.”
I agree.
I’m currently rereading Roxane Gay’s Hunger and seeing it again with fresh eyes illuminates the social habituation of women to be small and take up less space. The yielding then often allows others to fill what remains. I’m still processing how to actively work against this without losing the joy of being who I am.
Hugs for not blaming yourself, the chips are stacked against us, intentionally so, but we will proceed and thrive.
Thank you for sharing.
Yes, yes, yes. We can hold space for each other to expand and bloom. 🧡🧡
Wow!
So tears, just had a day of like sort of putting my all into caring for others and some that want it, some that really can’t stand the idea of someone knowing something different about their health, and this hit. Like overextension is how we can’t help others any longer but ourselves, whatever that is. Im going to be thinking about this as I sit in the Brooklyn Laundromat folding clothes and pondering all this.
I dunno if anyones said, but I feel like you collected a day of collective psyche of many.
Prescient, I bring myself back from the depths by journaling hard and depending on the intensity tearing up whats written or depending on where I am if I can burn the pages it has an even deeper releasing effect.
YK, thank you for your kind words. We’re all connected and these words traveled up from somewhere deep so I hope it lands in the collective psyche as you said.
I learning that when I give my all to others I’m really seeking to gain something in return. Often it’s validation. Worthiness by proxy of productivity. I’m sure it’s the same for others as well.
I’ve never tried burning or tearing up my writing, but I do see the catharsis available. I’m wishing you a clean heart and clothes to boot.