Connection > Perfection

Four mantras that keep me present

When I first started my yoga practice, it was all about the physical for me. The sweat, the burn, the shake when holding a posture for long. I’d bend my body into shapes and struggle to hold them to mirror my instructor. It took several months, and statements like, “Are you working harder than you need to?”, “find places where you can relax,” and “unclench your jaw” to help me realize yoga is the practice of noticing oneself. And from that space of awareness, choosing how to move forward.  

There’s a saying within the community that what happens on the mat ripples off. The more I practiced, the more I realized my patterns. I often impose unrealistic expectations on myself in the search for validity that what I’m doing matters.

I believed if it wasn’t hard, I was not striving enough.

But that striving usually came at the cost of dissociating so my feelings don’t “get in the way” and seeking perfection in the eyes of others. It was a never-ending battle I could never win.

Time heals all. By surrounding myself with love, doing the work, and being intentional with therapy, I am proudly and joyfully in a different mental landscape.

Now all I care about is creating comfort and home within myself.

Here are four mantras that support me in staying connected to my being and the here and now.

There’s nothing, but here, there’s nothing but now.

(Maine, July 2023)

Today’s present moments are tomorrow’s memories. And there are no backsies! The thing about seeking perfection is a mental fantasy will ALWAYS win out against the swings of reality. One moment where I viscerally had to use this mantra was on my wedding day when I was deeply bothered by a vendor’s ill preparation. My family and friends stepped in to support me and have the day turn out, but saying my blood was boiling would be an understatement. I had a choice. Rage internally and have every second that passed be colored by that agitation, or let it go and choose to see that I have a fantastic community around me. One that isn’t afraid to show up for me when I need them most. When faced with the reality that I am unpleased or having difficulty staying present, I quietly ask myself, “How do you want to remember this moment?”. That doesn’t mean swallowing my feelings or avoiding speaking up if something is truly amiss. But I can name what I feel, acknowledge that it is my reality, and still choose to not let it dominate my thoughts, control my feelings, and steer my actions moving forward.

You think others are judging you because you’re judging yourself. 

(Maine, July 2023)

Ah, projection. Defined as “the process of displacing one’s feelings on a different person, animal, or object,” we humans project as a way of separating ourselves from unacceptable or frowned upon urges and beliefs. Perfectionism has a way of creating strict rules and rigid expectations that are both self-imposed and outright unachievable. Quite literally setting myself up for failure. And when I cannot jump the ten-story hurdle I set for myself, I feel exposed, like the whole world can see my shortcoming. And as illogical thoughts go, if I feel inadequate, it must be true, and my entire train runs off the track. Dear Rachel: no one knows what you think about yourself. It is you judging yourself the whole time. There are no standards or hurdles to jump. Just live. You are more than enough as you are.

You cannot control others. You can’t control being seen in a certain light.

(Maine, July 2023)

I read something a while ago which said “You can try to control someone or you can love them. But you cannot do both.” Control and love cannot co-exist because the latter is about acceptance while the former exists in direct opposition to reality. Trying to control how others view me isn’t fair to me or them. Who wants to have an opinion forced upon them? And why should I want to live anything but my truth ? Whether accepted or not. I can only choose to show up as myself. I can only be me.

Every time we do something, it is one less time we’ll do it. 

(Maine, July 2023)

Change is hard. I like to think of starting any new habit or behavior as one of those mile-long freight trains beginning its journey. The weight and length of the train make progress very slow-moving, but once up to speed, momentum carries it along its way. Being kind to myself and staying connected is a lot like that. While I still have moments where I can be myopic, the ability to recognize my challenges and choose something different becomes easier and easier the more I practice. I may hope for a day when I abandon the practice of being hard on myself, but until that time comes – if it ever does – I’ll be happy with incremental progress.